I have been struggling to find words when it comes to name my self-love experiences. Loving myself has been a lifestyle and a rebellion itself, on how I exist in a patriarchal world that consistently pushes me to hate who I am as a woman. When is the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and fell in love with who you saw in it? When is the last time you whispered words of love to yourself as you embraced your magic? I know without a doubt that patriarchy opposes women who adore themselves. Oppressors who capitalize on how we dislike ourselves are bothered, threatened and left powerless when we dare to love entirely our existence.
Last night, I got caught in a moment of memories. I lost my grandma in November. This is a woman whose freedom I carry. All my life, I have heard how I am just like her. My grandma was a fierce woman. Our favorite moments are held in the late nights we shared, she would sit outside, light a cigarette and start affirming me. She would tell me how my eyes look just like one of my ancestors who was killed for being pregnant or, how my legs remind her of her sister who raised her kids alone because the husband married another woman. I was raised by a woman who validated, loved me in all ways and whom I was blessed to come from. She dared me to dare. She pushed me to center myself. I used to hear critics on how my grandma was selfish or arrogant( critics often thrown at women who challenge gender roles and are aware of their value). Now that I look back, and I’ve grown up enough to understand patriarchy, I am proud that I sense her presence with me often.
My grandma was all the communal validation I needed to be the woman I am today. I do not believe in self-made people. As human beings, we desire connections with other human beings. The belonging and the validation are what keeps us with the wrong people, even when they are toxic to our wellbeing. As women, we are born in a world that defines our existence to roles we perform for patriarchy. We are raised to perform, to care for everyone else but not ourselves. Our humanity is denied and simply reduced to being servants of men. We grew up feeling homeless in our father’s homes. We are taught and raised for another man who will give us a home. Our entire existence revolves around patriarchal validation. We should thank socialization for that. We get to a point we become our own oppressors. We strive daily to fit into that box.
Self love healed me. To recognize that I am a human being who deserves to be cared for and worthy of love, changed me. To realize that the least I can do in a world that daily labels and oppresses me is to shamelessly love myself. I mean, in world that rejected my hair as a black woman, the least I could do is, to wholly fall in love with my nappy hair and never be ashamed to wear it. Self-love made me realize that I matter not because I fit into “ good girls” patriarchal narratives. Self-love saved me from patriarchal bondage but mostly, it opened my eyes to self-validation: the sweet words I tell myself to acknowledge my existence, the affirmations I say every morning to myself before I step outside. Self love made stop apologizing for my greatness. I validated myself as woman who society raised to shrink and I tasted freedom.
Communal validation is still important and very necessary. That’s why I miss my grandma and our late nights talks. She permitted me to dare. It is important to allow voices that truly and genuinely free us. It is very necessary to have emotional support of people who are going to uplift your spirit and nourish your soul. Of course community is known to be toxic, of course and we should be careful who we allow into our spaces but mostly, those we allow to speak into our lives. For that reason, it is our responsibility to align our self –validation with our communal validation. Your light will definitely attract people who match it but also remember, it will attract the wrong people as well. Self –validation will save you and remind you when you deserve better.
Until next time,
Take care